Nightmares

I have been a Christian no longer than five years now. I don't know that right away it began, but soon after I became a Christian I developed the habit of having nightmares almost every night.

This may sound terrible, and I suppose that in truth it is terrible, but the effect that it has on me is one that I actually am glad for. My nightmares are usually about me being entangled in the way that I used to live. I used to behave in a way that chased after everything that I thought would bring me joy without thinking of the relationships that I might be injuring or breaking in the pursuit.

I would let anger fester into hate and I would nurse the hate and continue to feed the flame that burned in my heart against others. I would weave webs of lies (I literally enjoyed deceiving others, it made me feel like I was smarter and more in control) and live at the center/hub of all the lies. When a strand of my web was "broken" my life fell into peril as I had to venture out to the lie that had been damaged and mend it with more lies.

I was consumed by chasing after things that would numb and enable me to escape. From a very early age I was addicted (it was all consuming) to video games. This continued all the way up until the time that I became a Christian. I also consumed oceans of alcohol because I preferred being drunk more than being sober.

My old self, my old way of living was concerned only with maintaining control and "happiness" through whatever means possible. However, my old self settled for leftover fastfood fries when I could have had a feast cooked by a world famous chef.

When things are going good in my life, I like to think that I praise God for those things. In truth I don't think that's the way that things actually happen. I tend to forget God and I certainly lose the awareness that I need Him every moment of the day. I miss out on the intimacy of our relationship when my life is filled with wonderful, good things. This is not His fault, rather it speaks to my selfish nature that wants to be in control. When the illusion of control is there I love to grab it and claim it as my own. In the process I tend to cut God out of the picture (even though sometimes I'm doing it unconsciously).

My nightmares have been a blessing, as I believe all suffering in the hands of Jesus can be turned from a tragedy into something completely different to be used to bless us and others. Suffering in the hands of Jesus is like a Phoenix that rises from the ashes. The prophet Isaiah says that God trades us, He takes our ashes and gives us crowns of beauty, He takes our despair and turns it into festive praise.

My nightmares remind me that my selfishness is still their, still lurking in my heart. Why is that good? Because when I see the depth of my depravity I also see the height of my Savior's love for me. He loves me not just when I'm at my best, He loved me and died for me while I was His enemy. He chose to love me and endure hell in order to make me His.

What are you suffering from? Perhaps you've been stuck staring at the pointing finger instead of looking to where the finger is pointing. It is very easy to see only what's in front of us without looking to the one that all things points to. Our blessings are given to us to draw us to God and our sufferings are allowed in order to bind us ever closer in His arms. As Joni Eareckson Tada puts it, "God permits what He hates in order to accomplish what He loves."

There is nothing, there is not one thing that has happened in your life that God can't turn into something for good. Also, it is not our responsibility to turn bad things into good things (I find myself trying to do this quite a bit), that is His responsibility and we get in the way when we try to take that burden upon ourselves.

Jesus has turned my reoccurring nightmares into blessings that I thank Him for. 

How?

Jesus Christ took the ultimate nightmare on the cross, He was cut off from the one that He loved the most, He was cast out so that when my nightmares actually happen to me in real life I won't have to despair. I know that when my nightmares become true it is not because God hates me, in fact it draws me even closer and plunges me even deeper into the love that Christ has shown for me on the cross.

My God gave up His Son so that when I would lose mine I could know that it's not permanent. 

I fully expect to see my son again and when I do we can enjoy Jesus together for all time. O Lord, your love is an ocean and I am drowning in it.